Day One to Day None

As she stares down at the positive pregnancy test, she feels a mix of joy and guilt. Joy for the baby she created with a man she’s never loved anyone like, and guilt for the son she does not parent, who is somewhere she does not know.

They’d been trying to get clean, her and her beau. With all the motivation and will power in the world, they would manage to get a couple weeks here and there. But on any given day, if one fell, the other followed.

Maybe a baby was the answer. Maybe this was exactly what they needed to stop and stay stopped. They’d both grown up with addict/alcoholic parents. They knew they didn’t want that life for their child. Surely, that was enough, right?

She wondered if she should call him now or wait until he got home. He was out scoring and if she called him, he might not bring any back. They had relapsed a few weeks ago and had been discussing the right time to quit. Well, she had a baby to think about now, no time like the present. This would be their last high.

He got home and she told him the news. He didn’t respond quite the way she had hoped and instead set up so they could get high. Did she have to tell him they had to stop? Wouldn’t he know that?

“You know we have to-”

“I know I know” he sounded annoyed, she felt embarrassed because of course he’d know that.

So they got high, and it was perfect. It always is. Warm, fuzzy, soothing.

The next day she got up. She let him sleep. They would be going into withdrawal soon so she wanted him to get all the rest he could. They didn’'t work, they were both on social assistance so at least they wouldnt have to call in sick, she thought.

It always starts with yawning. She yawns uncontrollably and she doesn’t know why. Her skin gets clammy and she starts to feel uncomfortable. Then this feeling starts in the lower back, at the tail bone that feels like empty space. Its odd and distracting, but no motion or movement can make it stop. Her legs begin the shooting sensation of electricity from top to bottom. It wasn’t pain, it was like strumming nerve endings.

He woke up and immediately began sniffling. That was his thing, his nose would run first. He looked at her and cocked his head “you need some? why didn’t you wake me?” he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag.

“What are you doing? we have to stop, Im pregnant!”

“Ya…I know. I just thought maybe we’d like taper down little by little so it wasn’t as bad of a detox”

This made sense. No point in stressing her body or baby out by going into full blow withdrawals.

He set up. They hit.

She felt dizzy, light headed and she couldn’t see because her eyes wouldnt straighten out. They kept rolling into the back of her head. She could feel her heart speed up, when usually it would calm down. “Thats strange” she thought. She put her hand on her stomach and suddenly she couldnt even sit. She fell sideways and started convulsing. The last thing she remembers is wondering if she was alone?

Everything went black.